Kept/adopted sibling dynamic

One of the many things my big sister and I share is a fear of loss. Even if the loss would be a positive one, it should be avoided at all costs. We hold onto relationships and friendships long past their expiration date, and as a general rule, under the surface there seems to be a feeling of "well, its sucky, but something sucky is better than nothing". I wonder how common our issues are, if its a dynamic seen a lot in kept/adopted siblings. We feel the way we do for different reasons, but it all seems to center around the choice our mother made, the choice to keep her and relinquish me.

I can't seem to find much of anything in regards to grown, reunited siblings. There are some tidbits on animosity in between kept/adopted siblings as related to the attention and love of the first parent, or birth order changes, but I seem to be at a loss of finding anything informative about relationships in adulthood between siblings separated by adoption, and navigating that reunion. Most of what I'm finding surrounds how adoptive parents "should" handle the issue of biological siblings...Knock on wood, we are doing ok, but it would be nice to be able to track down some info on others in our situation. Perhaps I'm just not keying in the right search words!

Growing pains

In less than a week, my baby girl is off to high school. Trip and a half that is. Funny enough, I seem to be having more trouble with that concept than she does. Mommy growing pains, that realization that in a few years G will be preparing to spread her wings and leave the nest. I'm not so fantastic with that letting go part yet. At least I have the next 4 yrs to prepare for that one.

Had the growing pains before, when we immigrated. The girls adjusted quickly, and without much fuss. Me, however, I'm still struggling to learn the info I will need to pass the citizenship test, and the cultural differences, however slight, can sometimes still be pretty glaring to me. I think I'm just a slow learner in some aspects of life ;)

Both my daughters are becoming young ladies. And it's bittersweet to get to know them as such. I wonder sometimes if other moms feel as much of a fish out of water as I do. As natural as our connection to each other is, I feel completely clueless. Its not like I got a good roadmap to parenting from my arents. So with a preteen and a teen, I often feel like I am stumbling around in the dark hoping I am making the right decisions.

Here's to growing up, learning, making mistakes, and learning some more.

Been awhile

Been keeping myself busy, or rather life has ensured I have kept very busy! Big sis and I, we've been in our 2nd reunion now for 3 years. I've gotten to know my nephews, got to be "there" so to speak through her pregnancy with my youngest nephew. I'm still learning new things about her on a fairly regular basis. I still write my uncle every day, and my family lets me know that they care often. Little sis, while back in the ether had dropped contact simply because her computer crapped out on her. Glad I told my inner adoptee to shush!

Adad's health continues to decline. He's taken good care of himself for the most part since his diabetes diagnosis, and after his heart attack, he was extremely careful. But diabetes has taken its toll. It took one of his eyes, and the other is failing slowly but surely. Things are to the point where even my stoic amom talks about how worried she is. Its brought home just how little I know about adad, or know him as a person. When I was living at home, he spent far more time out working than he did in the home. So in so many ways, adad still feels like a stranger to me. I wonder if he feels that way about me.

Amom, well she's being as supportive as she can be. She's got a lot going on with adad, and she doesn't fully understand G's mental illness I don't think, her faith is firmly in the way, but she's there for me, and G in the ways she can be. And despite the odd off the cuff unintentionally offensive remark, she's really been helpful. New territory for amom and I for sure.

Then just the regular life stuff, down 75 lbs, and able to do things I never thought I'd be able to. Like the plank, or some squirrely yoga positions. Or heck, even just walking at 4 mph on a treadmill without feeling like my heart is going to give out. I've tried out Qi Gong, been crocheting like a madwoman, and trying to learn how to decorate cakes. Soon enough I will be volunteering with the local SPCA. Keeping up with the Whistler 100 story has reminded me of other causes I want to support.

Well thats me for now. Time to go feed the lions before I lose a hand here!

Things Change

New year is here. Never been one for the resolution bit, as I have a horrible track record of keeping them, even for a little while. But I do have hopes for this year. As bad as last year was, some good things came out of last yr. I finally got myself back into therapy, and admitted to myself the need for medication. The depression was getting worse and worse, and I wasn't able to get out of it using diet and exercise this time, and I owe my kids a healthy mom. My eldest ended up on quite a wild ride this last yr. She needs me to be at my best, I can't take care of her when I am drowning too. And my youngest, she needs me to be there for her to help her handle everything that's gone on. Our world was turned upside down and given a right good shake last year, and now its time to try to get past it, rebuild, and move on.

A week into the new year, and what I hope for this year is healing. I can't get back what I lost, and that's one of the painful realities I've been dodging for so long. I dodged it with denial, with food, and it got me nowhere. I can be as angry as I want to be, but that's not going to replace or fix the years I lost with my natural family. As sucky as that is, I am trying to focus on building relationships with those who wish to have one with me. I'm doing my best to not let the fact that the last time my little sister spoke to me was the day before xmas get to me (adoptee imagination can call up some pretty hurtful scenarios) And i am doing my best to heal from my tortured relationship with my amom. I've been holding back a lot over the years for the sake of having said relationship, and I am dealing with those feelings in therapy. I foresee a long and expensive relationship with my therapist, but she's really great at getting to the root of the matter, even though she has no adoption experience whatsoever.

Since my birthday, I have dropped the better part of 50 lbs, taken up crocheting, and started really working on my social anxiety. I'm hoping to be ready to do some volunteering in my youngest' school at some point this year, rejoin the human race so to speak, and stop allowing myself to be a hermit. I know I want to get involved in an adoptee rights movement in my state, even though I'm a transplant, but I think that is going to have to wait until I'm in a better place. I still read my fave blogs/forums, but I've taken quite a step back from adoption as a whole the last several months. I was getting dark, and obsessive, and that's not who I want to be. I'll revisit activism when I'm not so raw.

I suppose all in all, this year, I want to figure "me" out. Time to oust the chameleon and get to know myself, what I'm about, what I like to do, and who I want to be. I still have a chunk of weight to lose, and I need to be in a healthy emotional place to get there and maintain the loss. I get dark and twisty, and the emotional eating comes into play. The wellbutrin helps with that a lot, but I do know I can't rely on that forever. Gotta put in the blood sweat and tears to make sure things stay better when I come off the meds. I've said that I wanted to do this before, but I need to actually put it into practice this time.

Here's to a year of learning how to have fun and enjoy life again!

And the waiting is over!

10 days of obsessively checking my inbox, and it's over. She added me. And sent me a little note. Hurrah for facebook! I had honestly expected her to tell me to get bent. But I expected that of everyone I ever contacted from my natural family I suppose. That primal, always there, feeling of impending rejection.

Now it's...now what. I knew kinda where to go and what to say with my older sis when I re-reunited with her 3 yrs ago (wow time sure does fly) I already knew her, at least a little bit. Little sis, I know what I've heard from family and the friends who knew her, but I don't "know" her at all. I mean, what do I say now? Hey what have you been up to the last 22 years?

on to the next step. Despite the what nows, I am over the moon happy. Maybe now I can stop grinching it up and get some yule spirit going...

Waiting...and hoping

I've been trying to find my half sister for a long time now. No one on my ndad's side knew where she'd gotten to, she'd cut off contact with everyone. From time to time, I'd type her name into Google and see what came up. My big sis took a look at the pictures, and confirmed, that was her. Tonight, I typed her name into the Facebook search. And there she was.

I sent a message, and a friend request, and here I am, at 32, with ice cold hands, and my gut tied in knots hoping that she will answer me. And not outright reject me. And also in disbelief that I actually went ahead and did it. I agonized for weeks over whether or not to message big sis when I found her on fb, and I'd actually met her before, and gotten to know her somewhat before I bolted from reunion.

I met little sis once, by accident. I was babysitting for a friend, and her daughter had a friend over. And this little friend kept popping up the stairs, saying I looked so familiar. She did too. But I couldn't place it. Not until after, when I found out that the little girl was my sister. I so very badly want to get to know her. I hate this waiting, and hoping part. I wonder how long it will take me to get to epic basket case status. At this rate, not long.

Adoption sucks!

Happy frigging birthday

The day started off well. Had a nice breakfast, got a solid workout in, got the worlds longest birthday hug ever from my youngest, the girls left me enough milk to have some coffee...things were ok. All my relatives that are on fb sent me lovely bday messages. And then, cue jaws music, the email from amom.

It was cute and funny to start with. Talking about all the cakes she baked for me when I was younger, and wishing she could do something for me this bday. And then her closing line... "I hope your family does something nice for you today, but if they don't even remember, don't get upset."

W.T.F. Seriously? Having a therapy appointment scheduled on my birthday is no longer a funny thing to banter about with my sister. it's a necessity. I just spent the last half hour melting down into a blubbering sobbing mess while my dogs looked on very confused just trying to get ahold of myself before my eldest gets home. That one sentence, pretty much sums up so much that is wrong with my relationship with my amom.

Sad thing is, I likely won't say one little thing to her about how that made me feel. There's a reason I have spent many years feeling insignificant, and that I don't have the right to ask for anything, whether it be something material, or attention, affection, respect, anything really. Yup, therapy is the perfect place to spend my birthday evening.