Friday, August 26, 2011

Growing pains

In less than a week, my baby girl is off to high school. Trip and a half that is. Funny enough, I seem to be having more trouble with that concept than she does. Mommy growing pains, that realization that in a few years G will be preparing to spread her wings and leave the nest. I'm not so fantastic with that letting go part yet. At least I have the next 4 yrs to prepare for that one.

Had the growing pains before, when we immigrated. The girls adjusted quickly, and without much fuss. Me, however, I'm still struggling to learn the info I will need to pass the citizenship test, and the cultural differences, however slight, can sometimes still be pretty glaring to me. I think I'm just a slow learner in some aspects of life ;)

Both my daughters are becoming young ladies. And it's bittersweet to get to know them as such. I wonder sometimes if other moms feel as much of a fish out of water as I do. As natural as our connection to each other is, I feel completely clueless. Its not like I got a good roadmap to parenting from my arents. So with a preteen and a teen, I often feel like I am stumbling around in the dark hoping I am making the right decisions.

Here's to growing up, learning, making mistakes, and learning some more.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Been awhile

Been keeping myself busy, or rather life has ensured I have kept very busy! Big sis and I, we've been in our 2nd reunion now for 3 years. I've gotten to know my nephews, got to be "there" so to speak through her pregnancy with my youngest nephew. I'm still learning new things about her on a fairly regular basis. I still write my uncle every day, and my family lets me know that they care often. Little sis, while back in the ether had dropped contact simply because her computer crapped out on her. Glad I told my inner adoptee to shush!

Adad's health continues to decline. He's taken good care of himself for the most part since his diabetes diagnosis, and after his heart attack, he was extremely careful. But diabetes has taken its toll. It took one of his eyes, and the other is failing slowly but surely. Things are to the point where even my stoic amom talks about how worried she is. Its brought home just how little I know about adad, or know him as a person. When I was living at home, he spent far more time out working than he did in the home. So in so many ways, adad still feels like a stranger to me. I wonder if he feels that way about me.

Amom, well she's being as supportive as she can be. She's got a lot going on with adad, and she doesn't fully understand G's mental illness I don't think, her faith is firmly in the way, but she's there for me, and G in the ways she can be. And despite the odd off the cuff unintentionally offensive remark, she's really been helpful. New territory for amom and I for sure.

Then just the regular life stuff, down 75 lbs, and able to do things I never thought I'd be able to. Like the plank, or some squirrely yoga positions. Or heck, even just walking at 4 mph on a treadmill without feeling like my heart is going to give out. I've tried out Qi Gong, been crocheting like a madwoman, and trying to learn how to decorate cakes. Soon enough I will be volunteering with the local SPCA. Keeping up with the Whistler 100 story has reminded me of other causes I want to support.

Well thats me for now. Time to go feed the lions before I lose a hand here!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Things Change

New year is here. Never been one for the resolution bit, as I have a horrible track record of keeping them, even for a little while. But I do have hopes for this year. As bad as last year was, some good things came out of last yr. I finally got myself back into therapy, and admitted to myself the need for medication. The depression was getting worse and worse, and I wasn't able to get out of it using diet and exercise this time, and I owe my kids a healthy mom. My eldest ended up on quite a wild ride this last yr. She needs me to be at my best, I can't take care of her when I am drowning too. And my youngest, she needs me to be there for her to help her handle everything that's gone on. Our world was turned upside down and given a right good shake last year, and now its time to try to get past it, rebuild, and move on.

A week into the new year, and what I hope for this year is healing. I can't get back what I lost, and that's one of the painful realities I've been dodging for so long. I dodged it with denial, with food, and it got me nowhere. I can be as angry as I want to be, but that's not going to replace or fix the years I lost with my natural family. As sucky as that is, I am trying to focus on building relationships with those who wish to have one with me. I'm doing my best to not let the fact that the last time my little sister spoke to me was the day before xmas get to me (adoptee imagination can call up some pretty hurtful scenarios) And i am doing my best to heal from my tortured relationship with my amom. I've been holding back a lot over the years for the sake of having said relationship, and I am dealing with those feelings in therapy. I foresee a long and expensive relationship with my therapist, but she's really great at getting to the root of the matter, even though she has no adoption experience whatsoever.

Since my birthday, I have dropped the better part of 50 lbs, taken up crocheting, and started really working on my social anxiety. I'm hoping to be ready to do some volunteering in my youngest' school at some point this year, rejoin the human race so to speak, and stop allowing myself to be a hermit. I know I want to get involved in an adoptee rights movement in my state, even though I'm a transplant, but I think that is going to have to wait until I'm in a better place. I still read my fave blogs/forums, but I've taken quite a step back from adoption as a whole the last several months. I was getting dark, and obsessive, and that's not who I want to be. I'll revisit activism when I'm not so raw.

I suppose all in all, this year, I want to figure "me" out. Time to oust the chameleon and get to know myself, what I'm about, what I like to do, and who I want to be. I still have a chunk of weight to lose, and I need to be in a healthy emotional place to get there and maintain the loss. I get dark and twisty, and the emotional eating comes into play. The wellbutrin helps with that a lot, but I do know I can't rely on that forever. Gotta put in the blood sweat and tears to make sure things stay better when I come off the meds. I've said that I wanted to do this before, but I need to actually put it into practice this time.

Here's to a year of learning how to have fun and enjoy life again!