Things Change

New year is here. Never been one for the resolution bit, as I have a horrible track record of keeping them, even for a little while. But I do have hopes for this year. As bad as last year was, some good things came out of last yr. I finally got myself back into therapy, and admitted to myself the need for medication. The depression was getting worse and worse, and I wasn't able to get out of it using diet and exercise this time, and I owe my kids a healthy mom. My eldest ended up on quite a wild ride this last yr. She needs me to be at my best, I can't take care of her when I am drowning too. And my youngest, she needs me to be there for her to help her handle everything that's gone on. Our world was turned upside down and given a right good shake last year, and now its time to try to get past it, rebuild, and move on.

A week into the new year, and what I hope for this year is healing. I can't get back what I lost, and that's one of the painful realities I've been dodging for so long. I dodged it with denial, with food, and it got me nowhere. I can be as angry as I want to be, but that's not going to replace or fix the years I lost with my natural family. As sucky as that is, I am trying to focus on building relationships with those who wish to have one with me. I'm doing my best to not let the fact that the last time my little sister spoke to me was the day before xmas get to me (adoptee imagination can call up some pretty hurtful scenarios) And i am doing my best to heal from my tortured relationship with my amom. I've been holding back a lot over the years for the sake of having said relationship, and I am dealing with those feelings in therapy. I foresee a long and expensive relationship with my therapist, but she's really great at getting to the root of the matter, even though she has no adoption experience whatsoever.

Since my birthday, I have dropped the better part of 50 lbs, taken up crocheting, and started really working on my social anxiety. I'm hoping to be ready to do some volunteering in my youngest' school at some point this year, rejoin the human race so to speak, and stop allowing myself to be a hermit. I know I want to get involved in an adoptee rights movement in my state, even though I'm a transplant, but I think that is going to have to wait until I'm in a better place. I still read my fave blogs/forums, but I've taken quite a step back from adoption as a whole the last several months. I was getting dark, and obsessive, and that's not who I want to be. I'll revisit activism when I'm not so raw.

I suppose all in all, this year, I want to figure "me" out. Time to oust the chameleon and get to know myself, what I'm about, what I like to do, and who I want to be. I still have a chunk of weight to lose, and I need to be in a healthy emotional place to get there and maintain the loss. I get dark and twisty, and the emotional eating comes into play. The wellbutrin helps with that a lot, but I do know I can't rely on that forever. Gotta put in the blood sweat and tears to make sure things stay better when I come off the meds. I've said that I wanted to do this before, but I need to actually put it into practice this time.

Here's to a year of learning how to have fun and enjoy life again!