Friends

I'm stunted socially. It's just a fact. I think my radar is broken, or tuned to the wrong frequency. My intense fear of rejection has kept me by the sidelines for years. Even in the adoptee group I am part of, I fear being myself, or really opening up, and jumping in, though I am doing better with that as of late, but even so, that's on the internet, if this were face to face, I have no doubt I would be doing my level best to blend into the woodwork.

I have made friends over the years, I'm not some friendless wonder. But it's certainly not an easy thing for me to accomplish, and an even harder thing to maintain. I have a tendency to either put up with too much, or nothing at all, and I haven't found that happy medium that most people seem to manage before they hit 20. My uncle tells me there is nothing wrong with me. That he isn't inclined to friendships outside of the family, he likes being a homebody, and certainly doesn't feel there's anything wrong with conducting one's life like that. So I wonder is it just who I am, at my core, or is it a bit of that with a side of not knowing which end of attachment is up. Would this seem so unhealthy to me if I had been raised knowing people who were happy not having a social life to speak of.

Nmom kept me for a month. Then went through 2 foster homes in rather quick succession due to illness with my first foster mother. Then I was placed with my AP at 6 months. That's got to have a profound effect on someone. All those experts that say a child's personality is cemented in the first 3 years of life, well that first step for me was a doozy. It's like I had enough time to get comfortable, then suddenly, the people I'd adjusted to were just gone.

I'd like it to be just my personality. Because that would be easy, and not require taking time, effort, and frankly, pain to overcome. It would be easier for me if my pull to attempt to form friendships was just a perception of what I felt people should do rather than what I wanted. I suppose it's time to find a therapist that specializes in abandonment issues to help me figure out what it is I really want, and who I am underneath this mess. I can't help but feeling like I am gipping myself out of some very meaningful relationships and experiences by staying house and family bound.