Identity

I answer to 3 different names. I was known by all 3 before I even made it out of my first year of life. 3 different last names too. Then added 2 more through marriages in my adult life. I have learned that identity is as slippery as a greased weasel for me. I can wear these different names, and they all mean something different to me. I mostly go by Anha. It was the name my father gave me, and it's the one that mostly "feels like me". But Amanda and Aimee are in me too. And I have never figured out how to put all of them together and be one whole person. Adoption took that away from me, and I'm really not sure if I can ever really get it back.

I have found out a lot in the last year. Things that I would have discovered years ago had I not run screaming from a potential reunion with my natural father's family, and that fact is not lost on me. I spent so many years trying to find the keys to a culture that wasn't mine any more than my adoptive parents culture. My ndad had given me his step father's information, as he saw his stepdad as dad. I found out that my natural mother really wasn't coerced, and in fact had been locking herself away in the bathroom and desperately calling relatives to avoid harming me. I found out that one of my aunts was asked to adopt me, and she said yes, and went through the process, but in the end my natural mother refused to do it, saying she needed to cut all ties with me.

I do know some things. I know I have many people in my life whom I love, and know they love me. My life is rich and full of love, despite growing up adopted and abused. I know that I am beginning to find my voice about the mess called adoption and what it does to people. And maybe for now, that much identity is enough.